Imagine! Comedians actually got through a routine without using the “F” word.

WHILE JEWISH PEOPLE MAKE UP ABOUT 2% OF THE U.S. POPULATION, THERE WAS A TIME WHEN THEY MADE UP 50% OF THE FAMOUS COMEDIANS

You may remember the old Jewish Comics:

Shecky Greene, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Joey Bishop, Milton Berle, Jan Murray, Danny Kaye, Henny Youngman, Buddy Hackett, Sid Caesar, Groucho Marx, Jackie Mason, Woody Allen, Lenny Bruce, George Burns, Allan Sherman, Jerry Lewis, Carl Reiner, Shelley Berman, Gene Wilder, George Jessel, Alan King, Mel Brooks, Phil Silvers, Jack Carter, Rodney Dangerfield, Don Rickles, Jack Benny, Sid Caesar, and so many others.

There was not one single swear word in their comedy. Here are a few examples:

* I just got back from a pleasure trip.
I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

* I’ve been in love with the same woman for 49 years!
If my wife ever finds out, she’ll kill me!

* What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she’s making love?
“Honey, I’m home!”

* Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it.
The thief spends less than my wife did.

* We always hold hands.
If I let go, she shops.

* My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night.
Only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed.
My wife called it the Dead Sea.

* She was at the beauty shop for two hours.
That was only for the estimate.

* She got a mudpack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.

* The Doctor gave a man six months to live.
The man couldn’t pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, “Mrs. Cohen, your check came back.”
Mrs. Cohen answered, “So did my arthritis!”

* Doctor: “You’ll live to be 60!”
Patient: “I am 60!”
Doctor: “See! What did I tell you?”

* Patient: “I have a ringing in my ears.”
Doctor: “Don’t answer it!”

* A drunk was in front of a judge.
The judge says, “You’ve been brought here for drinking.”
The drunk says “Okay, let’s get started.”

* Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?
They’re worth it.

* The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.

*There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins.
In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.

Q: Why don’t Jewish mothers drink?

A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!

A man called his mother in Florida, “Mom, how are you?”
“Not too good,” said the mother. “I’ve been very weak.”
The son said, “Why are you so weak?”
She said, “Because I haven’t eaten in 38 days.”
The son said, “That’s terrible. Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days?”
The mother answered, “Because I didn’t want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call.”

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play.
She asks, “What part is it?”
The boy says, “I play the part of the Jewish husband.”
The mother scowls and says, “Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.”

Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) “Don’t bother. I’ll sit in the dark. I don’t want to be a nuisance to anybody.”

Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, “Lady, I haven’t eaten in three days.”
“Force yourself,” she replied.

Q: What’s the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?
A: Because Jewish women don’t like anything that isn’t 20% off.

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The post The comedy of our youth Submitted by Ellen Galick appeared first on Good News!.

Smart answer by a female passenger on a flight…

A guy asked a beautiful lady sitting next to him…
‘Nice perfume…..which one is it?…? I want to give it to my wife..!!’
Lady: ‘Don’t give her….some idiot will find an excuse to talk to her..!!’
???

A letter from a teacher to a parent:
Dear Parent, Edward doesn’t smell nice in class. Please try to bathe him.

Parent’s answer:
Dear Teacher, Edward is not a rose, Don’t smell him, Teach him ……
????

Mother to Son: Who is Sultan Aziz?
Son: Don’t know ?
Mother: Devote some time to pay attention to study also
Son to Mother: Do you know Aunty Jennifer?
Mother: Don’t know
Son: Sometimes pay attention to Daddy also ???

A cute excuse:
Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: Mom & dad were fighting.
Teacher: So what makes you late if they were fighting?
Student: One of my shoes was in mom’s hand, and the other in dad’s…
????

Wife: I hate that beggar.
Husband: Why?
Wife: Rascal, yesterday I gave him food. Today he gave me a book on
“How to Cook !!!
??????

Husband came home drunk. To avoid wife’s scolding, he took a laptop & started working.
Wife: Did u drink?????
Husband: no!
Wife: Idiot!!! then why are you typing on a suitcase?!!!
?????

Don’t laugh alone.
Pass it on ???

The post Just for laughs ??? appeared first on Good News!.

Intelligent and self-learning safety
After installation, Innohome’s cooker safety products observe and study their environment. The devices’ heat sensor adjusts its sensitivity based on the users’ cooking style, allowing for exact hazard recognition. The cooker is always turned off in a risk situation. Additional protection is provided by an automatic timer based on cooker use, responding to external smoke and carbon monoxide alarms, and the cooker knob Safety Lock.

Observing and reacting
Immediate detection and response to abnormal changes is at the core of Innohome’s technology. This enables awareness of causative factors before the ignition of a fire. Innohome concentrates on improving kitchen and cooker safety, but its technology can be applied to all electrical appliances.

Innohome’s innovations and technology have received several awards such as the CES 2016 Innovation Awards Honoree and IFSEC Active Fire Product Innovation Award.

See more about technology here.

Technology
EU cooker safety standard

Over half of all household fires start in the kitchen. A significant number of these could be prevented with high-quality cooker safety devices. Innohome’s Stove Guard and Stove Alarm – designed in Finland – represent state-of-the-art fire safety technology that can prevent most kitchen fires.
Alert before toxic gases and fire
Innohome’s Stove Guard and Stove Alarm are intelligent, self-learning fire safety devices with advanced, award-winning technology that is a result of years of dedicated research and development. The devices react in a risk situation before toxic gases can form and before a fire can start, turning the cooker off and activating additional alarms if needed.

A traditional smoke alarm is not always enough
Traditional smoke alarms only signal when a fire has already started. They are also not normally recommended in the kitchen because of cooking frequently triggering false alarms. Furthermore, a traditional smoke alarm is unable to help save lives if nobody is at home or if a person is unable to respond to the alarm.

Easy additional safety and support for independent living
The ease of use and installation of Innohome devices is among the best in the market. The Stove Alarm is also an excellent way to support independent living when the use of a cooker is risky due to old age, illness, or learning difficulties, among others.

Finnish market leader and test success
Innohome is a Finnish company founded in 2005. We are the global market leader in cooker safety products. Our products have been installed in over 150,000 locations worldwide.

Our products have passed all SINTEF tests for cooker safety devices, and they fulfil the EU standard 50615 requirements.

International development
International awareness of the potential of cooker safety devices is on the rise. In addition to the recent EU standard, Norway, for example, has passed a law that requires the installation of a cooker safety device in every new kitchen.

Fire departments in the UK work closely with Innohome, and some regions are offering Stove Alarms for high-risk groups free of charge.

https://www.innohome.com/us/

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The post WHY INNOHOME? Over half of all household fires start in the kitchen. Products that are great for Senior’s and drunk college students:) appeared first on Good News!.

Prom and graduation are around the corner and as teens embark on this new and exciting time in their lives, they are especially prone to the risks of drinking and driving. Motor vehicle crashes remain the number one cause of death among youth ages 15-20 with nearly 1/3 of traffic accidents alcohol-related. In fact, drivers between 15 and 20 years old are more often involved in alcohol-related crashes than any other age group. And, according to the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, one third of youth under age 21 killed in alcohol-related fatalities die during the months of April, May and June.

Dr. Larry Gentilello has published key studies documenting the extraordinarily high contribution of drug and alcohol abuse to life-threatening injury and the potentially powerful impact of hospital-based trauma center interventions to reduce such problems. His research has also identified laws in many states that discourage screening and counseling for alcohol and drug problems in the emergency room and trauma center. He discusses: Ģ The impact of teen drunk driving. The rate of alcohol-related fatal crashes among drivers between 16 and 20 years old is more than twice the rate for drivers 21 and older.
Ģ How parents can help their teenagers avoid the consequences of drunk driving.
Ģ Laws on the books in 31 states that allow drunk drivers to repeat their destructive behavior because they discourage screening and counseling for alcohol problems when patients are seen in the emergency room.
Ģ A new study by Columbia University , which shows that youth binge drinking is reaching epidemic levels — and that binge-drinking college students are more likely to drink and drive. Drunk driving in this group has also increased, as more than half of all college students binge drink. Most of them began drinking in their teen years. Deaths from alcohol-related accidents have risen an alarming 6% in college students.
Ģ Anecdotes from Dr. Gentilellos experience in one the nations largest trauma centers. These anecdotes can put a human face on the impact of alcohol and drugs in traffic accidents.

More about Larry Gentilello:
Ģ Larry M. Gentilello, M.D., F.A.C.S. Chairman of the Division of Burns, Trauma and Critical Care at the University of Texas Southwestern Medical Center, one of the nations busiest trauma centers
Ģ Member of the American College of Surgeons Trauma Prevention Committee Ģ Recipient of The Robert Wood Johnson Foundation Innovators Combating Substance Abuse Award ( http://www.InnovatorsAwards.org )
Ģ Author of numerous publications on topics that include alcohol screening in the emergency department and trauma center and reducing risky adolescent behavior
Ģ Featured prominently in the landmark HBO documentary, Addiction https://videos.whiteblox.com/gnb/secure/player.aspx?sid=33111

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