Imagine! Comedians actually got through a routine without using the “F” word.

WHILE JEWISH PEOPLE MAKE UP ABOUT 2% OF THE U.S. POPULATION, THERE WAS A TIME WHEN THEY MADE UP 50% OF THE FAMOUS COMEDIANS

You may remember the old Jewish Comics:

Shecky Greene, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Joey Bishop, Milton Berle, Jan Murray, Danny Kaye, Henny Youngman, Buddy Hackett, Sid Caesar, Groucho Marx, Jackie Mason, Woody Allen, Lenny Bruce, George Burns, Allan Sherman, Jerry Lewis, Carl Reiner, Shelley Berman, Gene Wilder, George Jessel, Alan King, Mel Brooks, Phil Silvers, Jack Carter, Rodney Dangerfield, Don Rickles, Jack Benny, Sid Caesar, and so many others.

There was not one single swear word in their comedy. Here are a few examples:

* I just got back from a pleasure trip.
I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

* I’ve been in love with the same woman for 49 years!
If my wife ever finds out, she’ll kill me!

* What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she’s making love?
“Honey, I’m home!”

* Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it.
The thief spends less than my wife did.

* We always hold hands.
If I let go, she shops.

* My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night.
Only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed.
My wife called it the Dead Sea.

* She was at the beauty shop for two hours.
That was only for the estimate.

* She got a mudpack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.

* The Doctor gave a man six months to live.
The man couldn’t pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, “Mrs. Cohen, your check came back.”
Mrs. Cohen answered, “So did my arthritis!”

* Doctor: “You’ll live to be 60!”
Patient: “I am 60!”
Doctor: “See! What did I tell you?”

* Patient: “I have a ringing in my ears.”
Doctor: “Don’t answer it!”

* A drunk was in front of a judge.
The judge says, “You’ve been brought here for drinking.”
The drunk says “Okay, let’s get started.”

* Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?
They’re worth it.

* The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.

*There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins.
In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.

Q: Why don’t Jewish mothers drink?

A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!

A man called his mother in Florida, “Mom, how are you?”
“Not too good,” said the mother. “I’ve been very weak.”
The son said, “Why are you so weak?”
She said, “Because I haven’t eaten in 38 days.”
The son said, “That’s terrible. Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days?”
The mother answered, “Because I didn’t want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call.”

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play.
She asks, “What part is it?”
The boy says, “I play the part of the Jewish husband.”
The mother scowls and says, “Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.”

Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) “Don’t bother. I’ll sit in the dark. I don’t want to be a nuisance to anybody.”

Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, “Lady, I haven’t eaten in three days.”
“Force yourself,” she replied.

Q: What’s the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?
A: Because Jewish women don’t like anything that isn’t 20% off.

#pleasure #trip #airport #stole #credit #reporting #thief #spends #wife #ringing #ears #drunk #judge #drinking #started #Jewish #divorces #cost #much #worth #controversy #tradition #fetus #considered #viable #graduates #medical #school #interferes #suffering #great #parole #officers #light bulb #sit #dark #nuisance #Rottweiler #men #circumcised

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Marcello is a graduate of the NYFA Musical TheatreConservatory as well as Stella Adler Studio of Acting in NYC and the fullimprov track at UCB in LA. He has his 200hr teacher certifications from Yoga tothe People in NYC as well as Sweat Yoga in Santa Monica which is around thecorner from his childhood YMCA where he teaches toddler swim, kids yoga, afterschool, and is a director of campfires and rags at Camp Big Bear. Marcello isalso the regular soloist at First Church Christ Scientist in Malibu and singsBass in the Goode Time Carolers in addition to being a character performer forseveral kids party companies around LA. In addition to his roles in the featurefilms Mank (which releases on Netflix December 4th) and Boomer (which he shotin Las Vegas in September and will come out next year), Marcello has worked onseveral projects from home since lockdown, including recording the roleof Lopahin in the new musical version of Chekhov’s The Cherry Orchardwhich will be released soon on Audible, Carlos in The Perfect Wedding for NewMusicals Inc, and the male lead Frank/Leaf in the new play The Seven Ravens.Marcello has done all this without representation and would greatly appreciateany offers or support. This time has brought many challenges but also so manyexciting opportunities! Marcello is very grateful!!

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-Marcello Padilla
646-709-4972
cellopadilla@gmail.com
marcellopadilla.com

What Does Peace Mean to Marcello Padilla?, go to: http://goodnewsplanet.com/what-does-peace-mean-to-marcello-padilla/

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“An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.

“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.” He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”

The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

photo by alamy

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