Are you stressed out and overwhelmed? Do you desire more balance and serenity in your life? What would your life be like if you simply let go of control?
Trying to control people and events harms you and everyone around you. It blinds you to options that could greatly improve your life emotionally, spiritually, creatively and financially. Instead, you worry incessantly and become imprisoned by fear, anger and anxiety.
In LOSING CONTROL, FINDING SERENITY (Ebb and Flow Press, April 2011), Daniel Miller offers real-life case histories along with tools and strategies for losing control in important areas such as parenting, friendship, work, love, sports, and creative endeavors.
When you let go of control, your blinders come off and you can engage in life’s currents in an intuitive manner. The rewards are unexpected and often exciting. Conflicts diminish. Family bonds strengthen. Intimate relations become more intimate. Creative horizons expand. Performance is enhanced. Work becomes more rewarding and profitable.
In LOSING CONTROL, FINDING SERENITY, readers will learn how to:
*Reduce the control triggers of fear, anger and resentment
*Make work less stressful and more profitable
*Find (and keep) love and achieve greater intimacy
*Lessen the struggle with your children and strengthen communication
*Overcome procrastination and achieve your creative potential
*Find the competitive edge in sports
*Embrace your personal truths and enjoy more serenity
Daniel Miller, author of LOSING CONTROL, FINDING SERENITY
1. What drives our need to control ourselves and others?
FEAR. We are fearful of the unknown and unexpected if we let things be or take their own course. We lack trust and are afraid we will not be able to take care of ourselves, and that our needs won’t be met. In the deepest sense, we are afraid we won’t survive. That’s why fear compels us to continually press and work hard to try to control outcomes.
2. How does our need to control stiffen life’s possibilities?
When we focus too intently on trying to control people and things we are putting “blinders” on ourselves, and literally can’t recognize the options and opportunities that are before us. We are too closed-minded and not open to new ideas and ways of doing things. Excessive control obstructs life’s natural currents-or the natural flow of things-that would otherwise expand our possibilities.
3. What does a person gain when they relinquish control in their life?
They gain greater vision and clarity-and ultimately greater serenity-and they have less stress and anxiety. The intensity of control actions obstructs our vision and we are unable to “see” the options and make the choices that would vastly improve our lives-emotionally, spiritually, creatively, and even financially. Instead we are immersed in our fears and worries because of our not accepting life as it is.
Relinquishing control frees life’s “natural currents” and allows us to engage those currents in a more intuitive and expansive manner, thereby enhancing our life paths. That’s why I say that losing control brings freedom of choice and contentment.
4. Is letting go of control difficult to do? What are some of the steps one can take to achieve this way of life?
Very much so because of the fact that we have been raised in a control-based society. Our parents, our teachers, politicians, our religious leaders-all engage in varying forms of control. It is what we have come to know. It is what we think works for us. As such, it is a deeply engrained habit-one in which we feel very uncomfortable and even insecure in giving up.
The first step in changing this dynamic is to recognize how controlling we really are and the harms it causes us. Next we must have the courage and make the commitment to change our controlling patterns. A large part of my book is devoted to providing effective “decontrol” tools to help people do these things.
5. What is wrong with trying to control the circumstances of our lives?
It’s important here to distinguish between those circumstances that are set or fixed and those that are not. For example, such things as people’s inherent natures, personalities and feelings, traffic jams, and computer glitches, to name just a few, can’t be controlled, and when we focus on trying to control them, we not only get frustrated and waste our time and energy, we also fail to see the options we have that would alleviate or improve our discomfort.
On the other hand, when we accept those set “circumstances” we can work on improving them. For example, if we have been unsuccessful in finding love and romance, rather than continuing to search for it, we can examine why we have that problem. Such an introspection might reveal to us certain things about ourselves that “turn people off”-perhaps our neediness, arrogance, or close-mindedness, for example–and then we can work on improving those things. This takes real courage, to be sure, but such self-honesty is required to make meaningful changes in our lives.
6. Parents often must set boundaries for children’s behavior. Does a parent’s responsibility for their child lessen with a “lose control” mentality? Is the parent/child dynamic altered?
Letting go of control doesn’t mean parents are taking less responsibility for their children.
They are actually being more responsible in the sense that they are promoting their children’s personal growth and life path by allowing them to learn and gain the wisdom that comes from making their own mistakes. They are also encouraging greater independence and self-reliance.
This does not mean that parents shouldn’t set appropriate boundaries for behavior and the like. It simply means that parents should take care that they don’t “over-manage” their children’s lives.
7. Romantic relationships can be stressful, especially because most of us try to “improve” or change our partners’ behavior and habits. How can simply accepting others for who they are enhance our relationships?
I don’t think any of us like being told by our mates how we should act or behave, or to be someone other than whom we are. Such pressure makes us feel “less than” or not good enough. That’s why it breeds resentment and undermines intimacy.
On the other hand, accepting our loved ones for the way they are improves the relationship in several respects. First, it removes the pressure to satisfy another person and be other than ourselves. That establishes trust and openness. Secondly, it allows us to focus on our role in the relationship. Everyone plays some part in the unhealthy dynamics of a relationship that can be improved.
8. Our society is built on competition, the need to be number one. How can success be achieved if one has a laissez faire attitude about life?
Letting go of control is not the same as a laissez faire, care free attitude, in which you just let the cards fall where they may. Not in the least. Rather, it is a highly effective way of reorienting and applying your skills and intuition and talents to times and places in which circumstances are better aligned with your true needs and desires. To successfully do this, you must be aware, open, and patient. You can then assert yourself when the setting and circumstances are right for best satisfying your true needs. Controlling actions prevent you from doing this.
Hence, that is why I say to lose control is to gain control.
9. In these tough economic times, many people are concerned about their job security. It seems that we already have very little control over our economic future and it’s stressing people out. How can choosing to let go of control help allay some of the fears associated with economic uncertainty?
The feeling of being powerless-particularly over our finances- is extremely discomfiting and stressful. What really alleviates that anxiety, however, is our willingness to “accept” the things over which we have little or no power-in this case economic uncertainty
